"I was contemplating on my thoughts and emotions asking "Who feels this?" "Who am I?" etc., for past day or two as my "presence" practice. I was just looking and it was just empty, there was nobody doing anything. All emotions/thoughts/experiences just arise, there is no owner. But, that is slowly fading as the day wares off, the owner/doer seems to be coming back."
Who you are does not disappear or reappear, it is always aware of appearances.
The "had it and lost it" feeling is the idea that this "no-self state or experience" has to remain and be there constantly, yet that's impossible because you are every state/experience. You are the awareness or witness that watches all states/experiences arise and fall. Every appearance will appear and disappear to you as awareness. The state/experience is just an appearance of what you really are, then it leaves as quick as it comes because it is just an appearance. In fact one doesn't even have to have an experience of no-self to see this clearly, no experience or state is required to see this because you are the seer of it and require nothing to be what you are.
You could say the ego/mind/thought is the state/experience of knowing only one state/experience of that is of self. Yet, new states/experiences seem to appear and be present when that notion of self is dropped even for a moment. Now that you see what you are, not in control. Now you know; you don't need that state/experience again in order to know because its not an intellectual knowing that always needs reaffirming.
You see? There is nothing to hang-on to, there is nothing wrong with the illusion of self being there because it is seen that nobody is there controlling if that illusion is seen or not.
Enlightenment is not about a certain state/experience to manage, it is a clear seeing that nobody is there and now that you seen that clear seeing; there is no need to control any aspect and if controlling happens then its no problem because you are not controlling or choosing the choice to control or not.
All is always well, even if it doesn't appear well.
