"Apparently my presence, awakenness isn't strong enough to see "I am not the doer". In a way I see the body-mind asking this and I see I am not the body-mind, I see "Paul" is contained in me, as well as his imaginary problems and questions. I watch anxiousness appear and disappear. I rest as awareness and let the doing just happen. And yet, to be honest, it feels more like a self-deluded individual is playing. Any tips? Thank you."
You are who you are rather you have a "not the doer" experience or not. It's not needed. You need nothing to be what you are. You are already that. It's not about looking for a certain experience or state or waiting around for one to happen, it's about just recognizing what is here now.
So let's see if I can point you to see that there is no doer, obviously if it can't be found then it is not there and that alone is seeing that there is no doer, it is not about a experience or state, it is about seeing that there is no doer:
Where is the one in control?
Most people just assume they are in control of thoughts, words, and actions but lets see if we can find it. Most people have this idea that they are somewhere in the body controlling what it does, like a little person connected to the body.
So where is it?
Is it in the brain? Nope couldn't be because the brain is a solid organism that is just responding to stimulus response.
Is it in the thoughts? Couldn't be because thoughts are just stimulus response actions based on the brain.
Is the you behind the eyes? No because the eyes are connected to the brain in which gives stimulus electric responses called sight.
Where the hell is this "you"? Anybody who authentically does this search for the "you" will not find one because it doesn't exist. There is no you controlling anything, it is all stimulus response based on conditioning.
If a thought says, "I can move my arm, see?" and the arm moves (To prove that "someone" is in control). That thought and the movement are both stimulus responses from the brain to these unfolding words. The thought "I can move my arm, see?" is not a person, it is a thought! Look and see if this is true in your direct experience now.
The thoughts are where the illusion of doer resides. But you can't control the thoughts: you can't stop them completely, you can't think only positive thoughts 100% of the time, you can't know what your next thought is going to be. In fact, the thoughts you are having now is based on the environment and these words are now in your environment and the thoughts are responding in a very conditional way to the unfolding environment of these words now. You could say if there is a doer it is the environment because the thoughts, words, and actions respond to conditioning based on the unfolding environment but nobody controls the environment, consequently there is no doer at all.
It is the seer of all this, that is the key. The awareness of the body/mind. Every-time a question or comment comes like "Paul is just an individual self playing as if he is not", what is aware of that thought? You see, it is awareness that is aware of everything. Without awareness, you would not be aware of a Paul, let alone a thought that Paul has. Every thought is confirmation that awareness is "the foundation".
There is no individual deluding itself but that is how thoughts think of it because that is how thoughts are conditioned to think, there is just thought being identified with itself. It is just a misidentification we were all conditioned to respond to. You can easily tell if a thought is being identified with by how you feel. 80% of all feelings arise out of a thought being believed as a self. There is no control to which thoughts will be believed though, so there is no reason to seek not believing thought, only thought would do that anyhow. Thought is just a stimulus response, that only knows how to respond based in a limited conditional way, everytime. It's just a condition, not a self, and awareness is proof-positive of that, everytime.
However having said that, know this: It is just this, whatever is happening now, it doesn't matter what it feels like. It is your everyday ordinary experience and it feels like you are feeling right now. There is thought there that is labeling this everyday feeling as "the feeling of an individual self" and there is awareness there that is not labeling it as anything because there is nothing to say about it, other than it is.
Thought will try to find the "no doer" and get attached to what that might feel like because thought believes it will feel different than how it is feeling right now, but the fact is that there is no difference in feeling because there was never an individual self there is the first place. The "no doer" is the same feeling as the "individual self" because there is no self and believing that there is an individual self doesn't change the inner feeling of you. Thought just thinks it does because thoughts are always comparing, splitting, dividing, and separating and that is the only thing causing the appearance of duality.
Likely someone will refer to a past article where I said that the feelings are different but the only difference is in thought alone and how thought thinks of it. Any difference is always found in thought alone. Any comparing is thought. There is no identity "here or there" without comparing from one thing to "another". Jump over to the about page for more information (which I recently updated).
